My Non Existing Inventions
[Originally posted on May 29, 2017 — old blog]
Ever since I was a child I was an innovator that couldn’t. I’ve come up with a lot of crazy ideas in these short 41 years, and I’d like to share a few with you and maybe explain more about how my brain works.
When I was a kid living in West Philadelphia, my parents bought us everything. Any toy we asked for, we pretty much got by the next big occasion. Well, one year it was the Transformers phase. Yes, the Optimus Prime kind. Those things were expensive for our family, but it didn’t matter. We had them. So many of them. One day my brother Nick and I were playing on our front enclosed porch with our pile of transformers all lined up from biggest to smallest and planning out our imaginary robot war for the day. Somehow one of us got distracted by a little tool case filled with tiny screwdrivers we found on dad’s desk. They were so little in fact, I made a discovery. “Hey! Do you know where these would fit!?” I grabbed one of the screwdrivers and immediately lined it up with the tiny screws that held together mostly any transformer toy. And the really good ones at that. Well, before you know it Nick and I have a pile of little screws, followed by a pile of little robot heads, then arms, legs and probably just a miscellaneous pile as well. We manage to disassemble what seemed to be about $1,000 (in 1983–1984 that was a lot!) in less than a hour. About half way through this ordeal, one of us solidified the mission as, “Let’s see if we can make one big transformer”. With absolutely 0 years experience in robot engineering between us, this sounded like a grand plan to a 6 & 8 year old. As the next hour passed, Nick and I found the best torso to attach the best arms and legs. And we finally decided on the perfect head and accessories. I even remember adding on the wings to this new Frankenstein robot which were originally from the flying pterodactyl Dinobot named Swoop.
The grand robot plan was finally complete. There was almost a childish version of “It’s alive!” to echo the whole house. We jumped up leaving all of the remaining parts in their piles and ran to share the news with Jerry. His eyes immediately went wide when we approached him, with what Nick and I had assumed was obvious excitement. Now that I think about it, they were more “what the hell did you guys do?” kind of eyes. I blurted out, “Look what we made! It’s a super Transformer!” And Jerry’s innocent yet soul shattering reply was, “What does it transform into?” Mine and Nick’s faces sank so quickly. With a few seconds to wiggle an arm and a leg into some kind of transformation, our hopes quickly ended by Nick saying, “Nothing! It doesn’t transform into anything! Awe, man!” So this is when I first knew I could make stuff. I’m still ignoring the “useless” part to this day, but that’s besides the point. Oh, and not too long after, Dad walked in from another hard day’s work to see the pile of Transformer parts laying everywhere. “OH MY GOD! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ALL THE TRANSFORMERS!?”, he screamed. “We fixed them, dad. We fixed them.”
A few years later in 5th grade came my first real challenge. My first ever Invention Convention. Students were tasked to come up with their own invention to share with the class. I don’t remember what the prize was, but it was probably a shitty screwdriver stuck in a block of wood and spray painted gold that said “Young Inventor” on it or something. I remember thinking away for my invention. I had no idea what I was going to invent in just 1 week. But I did it. I finally had a clever idea and I was going to change the world.
I remember heading into the Invention Convention with the highest of hopes. I don’t remember what anyone else made that day except for one kid Joe D. He was one of the first ones to start the Convention, and I’ll tell you right now, Joe’s bar was set so high, that 31 years later, I still think it’s up there. Joe had one of those stupid Fisher-Price cars with him that day.
“The car has already been invented, you dodo”, I thought to myself as he got started. But then Joe opened the car door and something started moving and making noise. Joe sat down in the car and closed the door, and this little red ribbon on some kind of robotic track slid across Joe’s chest and buckled him in automatically. Holy shit, Joe invented the automatic motherfucking car seat belt! How the fuck would I top that!? I didn’t. No one did.
So my invention for that day came to me one night after dinner, right before starting my homework. I was tasked to clean up and do the dishes and remember standing at the sink thinking, “I hate doing the dishes. I wish there was … an … easier … way … to … do … the … dishes!. And it hit me! Yellow rubber gloves with sponges attached to the fingers. I cut up pieces of that green and yellow sponge we’ve all owned at one point or another, and glued them onto the fingertips of the yellow gloves. Genius, right!? I thought so too. Even my mom was impressed. But Joe killed my hopes and dreams that morning of the convention, and I immediately gave up on going to market with it (which was not a part of the curriculum). But years later I happened to find these, so I now feel good knowing I was onto something. As all these years have gone by, I always imagined Joe up on that big hill in a huge mansion, diving into pools of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck. But while writing this post I decided to finally inquire on when the automatic seat belt was invented, and get this…Joe’s a fucking cheater. In 1973 the first automatic seat belt was invented by VW. So either his parents helped him out, or he just stole this idea on his own, plain and simple. Damn you, Joe!
So many years later, after high school, I guess the hurt from Joe had finally subsided enough for me to conjure up my next idea. In 2004, I remember owning a flip phone, a digital camera, an mp3 player, I carried an on-call pager for work sometimes and I had just purchased my first portable XM radio unit, and it was all starting to get out of hand. My answer to this massive problem? The Gelt. That’s a gadget belt if the name didn’t sell itself. Yes, just like Batman, but for super nerds instead of super heroes. I wanted it to be more of a over-the-shoulder gun holster type of belt, but an around the waist belt was just as awful of an idea. Luckily I sat on this idea because someone had a better idea and never allowed my awesome Gelt idea to see the light of day. Apple to the rescue. In 2007, Apple released a single product that did everything in one device that I no longer needed a Gelt. Thank you, Mr. Jobs and Woz. You saved me from much embarrassment.
The latest invention that I’m still hooked on today is my robot trash can. I’ve dubbed it, Curb-i. You see, I hate remembering to drag my trash cans to the curb every week, and sometimes I just forget altogether. My idea for Curb-i was basically a can that knew when to take itself to the curb, no matter what obstacles lie ahead. But I don’t know robotics. Fine, I just don’t have the know how to get this one done. But I still think it’s an outstanding idea that we’ll see in our lifetime. Curb-i obviously has a lot of features I’ve thought about for it as well, but for the sake of my hopes and dreams on this one not being shattered yet, I’m not giving my enemies any info to go on and steal from me again.
So, smarty pants. Have you ever had an invention you didn’t invent…I mean, where someone beat you to market? If so, please share. I’d love to know.
